Recently I have been reminiscing a lot. I keep thinking back to about two years ago. Life just seemed easier and more fun then. I really feel like my family is struggling right now and that's what keeps me reminiscing. Or maybe it’s me who is struggling with my family…either way it doesn’t feel good!
We have been going through some growing pains and pains they sure are!! We just aren’t as close and I think that’s mostly due to Ashleigh and my “break-up.” Yes, I’m calling it a break up now. I heard losing a best friend is like breaking up with a long term boyfriend. Which I totally agree! A best friend is a person you share everything with and why wouldn’t it be hard. In fact, before Paul, I think I was closer to Ashleigh then any of my boyfriends.
Anyway, because of our break-up, I feel like it has really torn our family a part. We never hang out like we used to and there is always that awkward feeling in the room. Usually when you break up with a person you don’t have to see them anymore…so not the case here!! All the hurt and pain is shoved in my face weekly! Most of the time, I don’t even think about it. Out of sight out of mind, you know? But every time I see Ashleigh having fun without me and doing the things we use to do together it kills me. I used to talk to this girl five times a day and now I don’t even get to hear about her life with my brother and new baby on the way. Part of me wants to hear about it while the other part wants to not care…it’s so painful! I really miss getting to hang out with my brother too. I used to look up to Andy so much and just want to do whatever he was doing. Now I don’t even get to see him. Our family used to hang out every Sunday, now I’m lucky if I see them all once a week. I know people grow up and get their own lives but it just sucks that we aren’t as close as we once were and I really think it has to do with the break-up.
So basically I have started this blog because I need a place to express my feelings and say how I’m feeling. I don’t have a bitch club to make me feel better so this is what I have, a place to say how I’m feeling even if it’s not heard. I'm tired of hiding my feelings and pretending everything is ok. I'm hurt and still hurting. I think I should be able to say that and my hope is the more I'm open about it the sooner the pain will just go away.
So that’s that…Jenny’s Thoughts! The true me, regardless of how you will see me after reading it. This is who I am and what I’m feeling. I’m not perfect and I’m ok with that…or I’m trying to be ok with that.
*Jennycakes*
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